


love is not a victory march

by thebitterbeast



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Groundhog Day, Heavy Angst, M/M, There is no Happy Ending Here, pain and suffering and more pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-09
Updated: 2017-08-09
Packaged: 2018-12-13 05:24:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11752950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebitterbeast/pseuds/thebitterbeast
Summary: The last thing Leonard expected to find out while stuck in a time loop was who his soulmate was. The only things he wanted were to save his sister and break the loop.If only life was that easy.Originally written for Day 5 of Coldatom Week 2017.





	love is not a victory march

**Author's Note:**

> Look. I have no explanations, I just wanted to write a Groundhog Day AU with lots of angst. It turned into a soulmate AU with lots of angst.
> 
> I'm sorry. (Except I'm really not.)

Leonard did not remember falling asleep. Not after the day he had had previously. Sleep should have been far from his mind, but here he was, on the bed he could not remember crawling into. A slight frown crossed his lips, heart heavy with the memories of Lisa, stunned as the bullet pierced her torso, bleeding out before he could reach her.

“Rise and shine, big brother.” She leaned against his door, lips curled up at the look on his face. He stared in shock and confusion, pushing himself up cautiously. He refused to blink. If she was an apparition or his imagination, she would disappear if he did. And Leonard was not sure he could take that, the emotions he hid from the world reeling.

Lisa’s smile faltered at the lack of response from her brother. She took a step forward into the room, the door sliding shut behind her.

“Lenny?”

His voice was a little hoarse when he responded. “Lees, what?” Words failed him and he simply stared at her as she inched closer.

The smile dropped from Lisa’s face, and worry took its place. “Lenny, what’s wrong?”

She was here. She was real. Leonard could feel the warmth emanating from her body. He did not know how, but she was  _ alive _ . He shook his head, trying to push past the memories - or maybe it had been a dream? Maybe it had been nothing but his imagination, or the remnants of the Oculus playing with his head - and focus on the present.

“Nothing. Just,” he hesitated, brow furrowing as he contemplated his next words. They felt wrong on his tongue, but he said them anyway. “Just a really realistic bad dream.”

Lisa raised an eyebrow, a quirk she had learnt from him, and her lips curled into a disbelieving smile. “Okay,” she drawled, not pushing for more. She knew better, and Leonard was relieved. She recovered the teasing smirk she had been wearing when she entered his room. “So, the tall one is pretty.” She tilted her head slightly, considering. “Reminds me of Cisco.”

Leonard hid his flinch. That had been the way she had begun their conversation the last time. In his dream. Memories. Vision. Whatever it had been. What had he said in response?

“More annoying,” he drawled. No, that had not been it, but it was close enough.

His sister simply laughed in response, shaking her head, curls flying in a way he knew she enjoyed. It made her feel dramatic, drawing eyes her way as much as the throaty laugh did. The conversation was filled with the banter that was usual to them, but Leonard could not shake the sick feeling in the bottom of his stomach that screamed at him that this was wrong. This was all  _ wrong _ and at the same time so familiar.

He ignored it, tried to go about his day as normally as he could. Normal for them meant a plan going horribly wrong, of course, and he could only watch in horror as a bullet hit his sister. She collapsed without a sound, biting back the pain she no doubt felt, a lesson learned a long time ago. The curls lay limp and lifeless around her as she gasped for breath, her free hand shaking on top of the wound on her torso.

Leonard shot indiscriminately as he raced to her side, barely glancing at anything but Lisa. When he reached her, he was almost unsurprised to see that her eyes were glassy, staring up at the ceiling, her hand having dropped to her side.

He was too late.

* * *

“Rise and shine, big brother.”

Leonard kept his eyes shut, squeezed tight. There was no way. It was crazy. He was going crazy. The Oculus explosion had messed with his head. Or he was still stuck in the explosion, somehow. Or this was Hell.

It was fitting that his hell was seeing his baby sister die.

“Lenny?”

There was concern in the tone, more explicit than Lisa usually allowed herself to voice. He heard her heeled boots click on the ground as she walked closer, but he refused to open his eyes. He did not want to do this again.

Lisa stopped by his side. He could feel the heat of her hand over his shoulder, but she did not touch him. She hesitated for a moment before she turned and walked away.

Leonard let out a breath he had not been aware he was holding as he heard the door slide shut behind his sister. He opened his eyes and stared blankly at the ceiling.

He did not want to see this again.

He turned around and pulled his covers over his head like the child he had never been allowed to be.

* * *

The door slid open, and Leonard woke up to see his sister walk in. He found his tongue before she could, raising an eyebrow at her. “Let me guess,” he mocked. “Rise and shine, big brother?”

Lisa hesitated, surprise colouring her features before she collected herself. “Shining is more my thing,” she shot back.

Leonard could not keep the huff of laughter down, and he shook his head. He did not have a plan - a first for him, definitely - but maybe he could change what happened to his sister. Maybe that would free him from whatever he was trapped in.

* * *

He could not change  **anything** .

Oh, he  _ tried _ . Over and over, he tried.

He challenged Sara’s plan.

He took Lisa’s place.

He stole the jumpship and went on the mission alone.

He took control of the Waverider and avoided the mission all together.

He kept waking up to Lisa in his doorway and the team in Hunter’s study planning the same damned mission.

If he was not crazy before, he was being driven there.

* * *

It was sometime after the fortieth time he had lived the day that he woke up hours before Lisa would reach his door and sat down to make a plan. An actual goddamn plan for the mission that would get everyone out unscathed and would hopefully let him end this endless cycle he was stuck in.

His plan went off without a hitch. They succeeded in the mission.

But then there was a strangled yell next to him and he turned to see a glint of metal sticking out of Lisa’s side. He barely registered Raymond shooting a blast that surely killed the soldier that had survived the battle as he caught his falling sister.

This time, Lisa died in his arms.

* * *

Leonard was staring at the ceiling. He could not look down at his hands, the image of Lisa’s blood coating them as he tried to save her too vivid for him to erase.

“Gideon.” Leonard was surprised his voice was steady. “Do not let anyone into my room until I say so.”

There was a pause before the AI responded. “Of course, Mister Snart.”

Leonard inclined his head in silent thanks. He was contemplative for a moment before he rolled his left sleeve up to his elbow.

He had never been fond of the idea of soulmates. Never felt the need some people felt to find the person whose words and doodles would appear on their skin. He had his sister, and then he had Mick, and that was all he needed. Over the years, as he left the messages scrawled on his arm unanswered, his soulmate had gotten the hint.

There were less directed messages and more half-thought out ideas and plans written on his arm after that, as if his soulmate had run out of paper and was simply continuing on their skin. It was sometimes amusing, but mostly Leonard left his arms covered so he did not have to see them.

This was the first time Leonard was writing something down himself. Even if the person on the other end of the bond did not answer, at least Leonard had told  _ someone _ . It made him feel a little less crazy.

_ ‘I’m in a goddamn Groundhog Day situation.’ _

He told himself he was not waiting on a response so that the disappointment would be less crushing. Still, after a few minutes and no answer, he felt a glimmer of hopelessness, and frustration at himself. Leonard was just beginning to roll his sleeve down when there was a messy response to his words.

_ ‘How many days has it been?’ _

That - had not been the question he had expected. If anything, he had expected some sort of condemnation for never having answered the messages that had been sent over the years. Instead, there was just a belief in his words. He turned the pen in his arms over carefully before setting it to his skin.

_ ‘Too many.’ _

Immediately, there was a reply. It was even messier than before, as if the other had written hastily, worried that Leonard would disappear.

_ ‘How can I help?’ _

_ Of course _ he was stuck with some do-gooder. He snorted silently to himself and shook his head, but he would not admit that there was a warmth in his chest at the instant offer. At not being alone in this.

_ ‘You can’t.’ _

And that was that, Leonard thought. It was a moment of weakness he would not allow himself again. He roughly pulled the sleeve of his top down, ignoring anything that might have been written in response.

It was only later, when he was staring down blankly at Lisa’s sightless eyes that he took in the torn sleeve of his shirt, and the words that he could read through them.

_ ‘You don’t have to do this alone.’ _

* * *

Why he was writing to his soulmate again, Leonard could not tell you. But he had written the same thing and gotten the same response and now he hesitated.

He should deny the other’s help. Leonard did not need anybody. But it had been so long, and the heart he pretended did not exist sat too heavy in his chest. There was a grief that was never ending, even before Lisa fell.

_ ‘My sister is going to die today.’ _

The words seemed final. They tasted like ash in his throat. He did not wait for a response before he continued.

_ ‘No matter what I do, I cannot stop it.’ _

He put the pen down and rubbed at his eyes. The words he got in response were much neater than any he had seen before, as if the person on the other end had been taking pains to make sure they were writing clearly.

_ ‘Does anyone else know?’ _

_ ‘Just you.’ _

Leonard was not sure why he had admitted that so easily. Living the same day over and over had brought his guard down. Talking to someone who was distant from his situation was not helping. It made him freeze for half a second before he added another note to the first.

_ ‘Because you don’t matter.’ _

It might have been unnecessarily cruel, but Leonard did not want the person on the other end getting _ ideas _ . They were unconnected from his entire situation and so Leonard could vent. At least so much as Leonard ever vented.

He tugged his sleeve down, ignoring the twinge of guilt in his gut for his words. There was a mission to focus on and a sister to save.

* * *

The next time around, Leonard did not write anything on his skin, and attempted to take Lisa’s place again. It did not work, of course.

And it did nothing to erase the growing ache in his chest that added on to the heartbreak of losing his sister.

* * *

He spent the next few loops bouncing ideas off of the person on the other end of his messages. Even if all of them failed, the emptiness in him had eased a little at having someone who believed him right off the bat.

It was odd to have help, but for Lisa, he would take it.

* * *

_ ‘I’m living a Groundhog Day situation and this is the tenth time we are having this conversation.’ _

Starting off like that would probably startle his  _ person _ \- calling them soulmate, even in the privacy of his own head still felt like too much - but Leonard was at a growing loss.

_ ‘Have I been any help?’ _

The words made Leonard smile a little, despite everything. The do-gooder attitude had become endearing sometime around loop four of their conversations. He was a lot more honest than he usually was with people, but being stuck in a time loop did that to people, he was sure.

_ ‘You’ve tried.’ _

Leonard paused. If he left it at that, he was pretty sure the other would think they had not tried hard enough.

_ ‘Talking to you has kept me sane.’ _

He let the words rest on his skin for just a minute before he rubbed them off his skin. And then he waited for a response, sure it would appear in a short moment.

_ ‘I’m glad.’ _

Leonard was right, of course. The words were in the usual messy scribble he had gotten used to. As he watched, more words appeared under the first.

_ ‘What have we tried?’ _

Straight to the point. Leonard liked that about them. He bent over his arm and began to write. The next hour or so was spent trying to figure out another attempt to save Lisa. It was only when Gideon spoke up that he was broken out of his concentration.

“Captain Hunter is requesting your presence for the meeting in his study, Mister Snart.”

Leonard reluctantly put his pen down and rolled down his sleeve. “Thank you, Gideon.” He cast a glance at the conversation covered by the cloth of his shirt before exiting his room.

The team was already gathered around the table, and Lisa was the only one to glance his way, a small pout on her lips at having been denied entrance to his room. He simply rolled his eyes in response, hiding the pain that came with the knowledge of what would come behind his fond exasperation.

He barely paid attention to the briefing, knowing what was being said well enough to quote Hunter and Sara back at themselves. The various members of the team were in the same positions they always were when the meeting took place, but this was the first time he was noticing the notebook Raymond had brought with him.

Had he had that notebook in the previous loop? Leonard could not say for sure, and it bothered him.

He took a step closer to the scientist, raising an eyebrow when Raymond noticed his movement and quickly shut the book and stared back at him with a slight frown on his lips. There was something in Raymond’s eyes that had Leonard frowning back, more confused than annoyed.

There had been something familiar about the writing in the book. Leonard had been too far to read a word, but something about it had seemed oddly familiar.

It was only when his eyes found the writing on his arm as he was changing his shirt for the mission that it clicked.

The handwriting in Raymond’s book was the same as the writing on his arm.

* * *

Raymond was his person.

Raymond was his  **_soulmate_ ** .

Leonard could not decide if the universe was fucking with him or not.

The person on the other end of this was not just someone he knew, but someone on the same mission as him. It made an absurd amount of sense if he thought about it.

A part of him wanted to ignore the fact. Ignore that it was Raymond on the other side of the conversation and take his help anyway. The other part of him wanted to avoid the urge to talk to him all together.

Leonard spent too long contemplating the situation, and was surprised when the door slid open to Lisa’s cheerful tone singing out a greeting. It had been many loops since he had lived this scene, and this time, he hesitated for too long over responding to her comment on Raymond’s looks.

She cast a glance at him, something unholy glinting in her eyes. “Why, Lenny, do  _ you _ think he’s pretty?”

He gathered enough of his composure to roll his eyes at her, but his heart was not in it when he replied, “He’s not bad to look at, I suppose.” He waited a beat too long to continue, but he ignored the way her eyes lit up. “Annoyingly optimistic though.”

His optimism had kept him afloat through a few loops, but he could not tell Lisa that. Just as he could do nothing while Lisa directed him to stand next to Raymond. His eyes dropped to Raymond’s hands, and there was no notebook.

Leonard stopped short. Had the notebook been for  _ him _ ? He tried to picture the room during the loops where he had had conversations with Raymond written on his skin, and then the room during the loops when he had not.

The notebook  _ had _ been for him. He closed his eyes briefly, for the first time struggling to keep the emotions off his face. Raymond only had the notebook in the loops where he was helping him figure out how to save Lisa.

He cast a glance at the taller man, lips settling into a firm line. He knew what he had to do.

* * *

The first thing he did when his eyes opened was to tell Gideon to keep his door closed. Once he had his pen in his hand, he began to write on his arm. Leonard did not bother waiting for a reply, he just wrote the longest message he had ever written to Raymond before quickly changing his clothes into something he could stalk down the Waverider’s halls in.

He was not surprised to see Raymond in the lab, nor was he surprised that the man seemed to be staring in shock down at the words on his arm.

“Well?” He crossed his arms across his chest, not batting an eye as Raymond startled at his voice. The scientist gaped at him in shock for a second before pulling himself together.

Leonard could practically see the wheels turning in that big brain of Raymond’s as he began to pull a notebook -  _ the _ notebook - towards him and started thinking out loud. He took a few steps forward, taking no pleasure in the way Raymond seemed to stiffen at first before his shoulders relaxed when he realised that Leonard was simply curious at what he was writing down.

Once, Leonard would have enjoyed teasing Raymond for his stiffness, and for his rambling thought process. Now he wished for the ease they had had when they had been anonymous to one another. It made more sense for Raymond to have all the details like he did now, but it also meant that Raymond was much more halted in the reassurances he had freely given Leonard, despite Leonard’s terse responses.

Leonard did not want to admit that he missed that.

They hobbled together a plan, one that was a mix of a few things Leonard had tried before. This time, he would have help out on the field, and they both hoped it would make a difference.

Raymond paused when Gideon interrupted their conversation to remind them to head to Hunter’s study. Leonard cast a glance at him, raising an eyebrow in silent question. The younger man looked as if he was going to reach out to put his hand on Leonard’s arm, but seemed to change his mind at the last moment. His fingers fluttered at his side before he found his words.

“We’ll figure this out. I promise.”

The only thing Leonard could do in response was nod, his throat tight. It meant more to him than he was willing to say.

* * *

Each attempt at working together with Raymond ended a little less painfully with the knowledge that he was not alone. Oh, the loss that threatened to choke him each time he failed at saving Lisa never abated, but the warmth of Raymond at his side was a balm. A reminder that he would have help each time until they succeeded.

Raymond would not accept anything less, and Leonard was grateful.

* * *

Lisa was still on the ground, and Raymond was next to her, hands pressing uselessly to her wound. Brown eyes looked up at him, filled with regret and apologies as he approached. His mouth moved, but no words seemed to come out.

Leonard dropped down on the other side of Lisa, taking one of his sister’s cold and limp hands into his own. It was only then that he noticed the ragged breaths Raymond was taking.

Blue eyes lifted from his sister’s form to the man kneeling across from him, eyes raking over Raymond until he saw it. There was a piece of metal sticking out of a crack in Raymond’s suit. There was a hint of blood covering it, but the suit blocked more of it from spilling out.

His breath caught in his throat, and a feeling he was unfamiliar with when it came to anyone but Lisa or Mick flooded him. “Raymond,” he halted, eyes fixed on the injury Raymond was resolutely ignoring.

“ _ Raymond _ ,” he repeated, pained.

The other man had moved his hands away from Lisa. He raised one of them to cover the metal protruding from his side, as if to block it from Leonard’s gaze. “I’m fine,” he said. It was a blatant lie, and Leonard stared at him in response.

How many times had he heard those words from Raymond’s lips?

How many times had he believed those words so easily?

Now that he was paying attention, now that he  _ knew _ Raymond, he could hear the slight waver of his voice that he tried to hide. He noticed the way Raymond did not meet his eyes head on.

He noticed the way Raymond ignored his own pain in favour of making sure the rest of the team was okay. The smile that he pasted on his lips that faltered slightly as he was brushed off or worse, laughed at and mocked gently.

Seeing Raymond hurt affected him, and Leonard could do nothing as realisation swept over him.

* * *

Leonard did not bother to write a message on his arm when he woke up. He did not bother to change out of his sweatpants into something else before sweeping out of his room and down the hall to the lab, where he knew Raymond was. They had talked about the fact that Raymond barely slept during one of his previous loops, but this was the first time he was glad for it.

“Snart, what?” was all Raymond managed to get out before Leonard was crowding him against his table and reaching around him for a pen. He pulled his sleeve up and drew a line down his arm. A matching line appeared on Raymond’s bare arm.

Without waiting for a reaction, Leonard wrapped a hand around the back of Raymond’s neck and pulled him down, crashing their lips together. It was messy and hard and uncoordinated, but Leonard was running on nothing but the panic that had overtaken him when he realised Raymond had been hurt.

He could feel Raymond stiffen in shock, but the other man gathered himself together quickly enough to respond to his kiss. Desperation coloured his actions. Desperation and the faintest hints of fear at what had almost happened in the last loop.

The pair barely noticed as the door to the lab slid shut, losing themselves in each other.

* * *

Raymond would not remember, Leonard knew that. Waking up alone in his room when he had not left the lab at all told him all he needed to know about whether the both of them not taking on the mission had broken the loop.

This time, he talked to Raymond about the loop, about their connection, before he kissed him. This time, the first kiss was not coloured with desperation. Instead, it was a softer emotion that filled him, one he refused to name.

They pulled apart instead of falling into a lust-filled haze, resting their foreheads against each other.

“Have we done this before?” Raymond had a small smile on his lips.

Leonard smirked in response. “Not like this.”

Raymond huffed out a laugh against Leonard’s lips, his kiss gentle. It was nothing like Leonard was used to. It was too much, yet Leonard found himself wanting to press closer.

“What now?”

Leonard wanted to respond lightly. Ignore the truth looming over his head like an axe. Ignore the helpless feeling that threatened to engulf him when he thought about how many times he had failed to save his sister.

But the look in Raymond’s eyes, too understanding and too aware, cut through him. It was as though the other could see right through him, and instead of finding him wanting, found something that was worth caring for.

It made Leonard honest in his response. “I don’t know.”

Their conversation while they tried to come up with a plan was quieter. They stood closer to one another. Leonard found himself reaching out for Raymond more often, the other’s presence being reassuring and grounding. The smiles Raymond so easily offered the team were replaced with smaller ones, but they were so much more sincere. They were so much more  _ real _ and warm.

When Gideon broke into their little bubble to remind them of the briefing, Leonard was reluctant to move from Raymond’s side. The younger man nudged him slightly, shooting him an amused grin.

“Go ahead, I’ll be right there.”

Leonard narrowed his eyes slightly before writing it off. He missed the way Raymond fiddled with a few things on his desk before swiping the notebook and a few sheets of paper off the table and following him out.

* * *

It was difficult not to notice that Raymond seemed distracted over the next few loops. Almost as if there was something else on his mind.

Or perhaps it was just his imagination. Leonard had a hard time trusting his own mind. It had been too many loops, and too many of the same conversation with minor differences that he might have been seeing things that were not there.

The missions almost always ended the same, despite their interferences. They ran differently, with Raymond biting his lip in concentration, his full focus on the notebook in front of him as they came up with plan after plan. But each one failed, and not even Raymond’s determination could stop the funk Leonard was falling into.

* * *

“We could dismantle the missile.” It was not the first time Raymond had made that suggestion, but something in his tone was off. Leonard cast a sharp glance over at him, his suspicions growing when Raymond refused to look back.

“One wrong move and the missile will blow up, taking us all with it,” Hunter pointed out.

Considering the fact that Leonard had lived it, and Raymond knew that, made the fact that the scientist was still pressing for it more suspicious.

“Dismantling it from the outside, sure,” Raymond conceded. “But if we do it from the inside,” he trailed off, and Leonard was hard pressed to keep horror off his face.

Hunter seemed to have similar thoughts. He was hesitant as he asked, “What exactly are you suggesting, Doctor Palmer?”

Raymond met his gaze squarely. “I shrink down and dismantle the missile from the inside.” He said it so calmly, as if he was discussing the weather, or what to have for dinner.

Before Hunter could say anything, Sara cut in, her eyebrows furrowed. “Could it work?”

“Theoretically, it could.” That was Stein, his tone one of contemplation. He cast a glance around before taking a pen out of his pocket and a pad of paper off Hunter’s desk. The older man was mumbling to himself as he tried to work out whether Raymond’s plan had any merit to it.

Leonard wanted to scream a denial at them all. Ask them if they could hear themselves. The plan was risky, and ridiculous. He looked over at his soulmate, furious with him for even making the suggestion. Raymond was looking down at his notebook, flipping through it for something. Leonard took a step towards him. The younger man looked up, and his smile was full of warmth and affection that Leonard’s heart stuttered in his chest.

“It’s going to work,” he murmured softly so that the rest of the team could not hear him.

“How are you so sure of that?” Leonard hissed back softly, angry at Raymond for his calm and angry at himself for the fear eating away at him.

The smile on Raymond’s face slipped into something that Leonard could not read, not completely. He pulled a small device out of his pocket and handed it over to Leonard. “It’ll work,” he said again.

They were broken out of their conversation before Leonard could ask what the device was. Sara was pushing for the plan, and they split up to get ready for the mission.

Leonard spent more time turning Raymond’s device over in his hands than he did worrying about the mission, which was a first.

He found himself fighting back to back with his sister, Mick nearby. It was not the first time they had fought this way, but there was something different about it. Perhaps because he could not see Raymond anywhere while the battle raged on.

There was a moment when he turned around and saw his sister falter, sure that they had failed once again. Then there was a yell of pain, Lisa’s gun trained on the man that had tried to take her down.

All the soldiers were down. They had not missed a single one, and Lisa was still standing. Leonard was breathless with relief as she shot him a look of triumph. One side of his mouth quirked into a smile.

It had worked.

Raymond had been right, and it had  _ worked _ .

He cast his eyes around for the man in question, smile dropping off his face as he realised he could not see him. Leonard moved, as if in a daze, towards the missile Raymond had been dismantling.

Light reflected off the glass of Raymond’s helmet. It lay on the floor next to the missile. Raymond was nowhere in sight. The missile was unarmed and switched off, and Leonard moved on auto-pilot, reaching out to open it up.

There was no surprise on his face when he saw the shrunken down version of his soulmate next to the wires he had been cutting. The pain he had felt on his arm made all the more sense to him now. But he was too numb to the loss he had been experiencing too many times to do more than stare blankly at the still form of the man who had saved his sister.

The rest of the team gathered around the missile, silently staring at Raymond’s small form. Jax was the one to reach out and carefully pick him up, cradling him gently, grief etched on his face. They turned, still quiet, to head back to the Waverider.

The success of the mission felt hollow with the loss of one of their own, but Leonard could not bring himself to sit with the team and mourn their teammate. He turned away from them, ignoring the calls behind him until he was in his room. Raymond’s device was in his hand, and he turned it over again, trying to puzzle it out.

He clicked at a few places, trying not to think about Raymond, and failing miserably. There was a beep from the device that pulled him out of the thoughts that threatened to drown him. It had opened up into a screen that Leonard scrolled through.

What he found shocked him. He had known Raymond was brilliant, but the fact that the man had figured out a way to leave messages for himself through time loops was nothing short of incredible. He had built on idea after idea he had had during the loops, ideas he had shared with Leonard but had not fully been able to get across.

Leonard let out an impressed laugh, though it was half-hearted at best. He dropped the device onto the table and finally rolled up the sleeve of his shirt to see the words Raymond had left on his skin before sacrificing himself.

He closed his eyes as Raymond’s message sunk in, letting out a breath that was shaky. The sleeve was pulled back down quickly, the message too much for him to take.

He did not know how to deal with this and he did not want to.

* * *

It was the first time in what felt like years that Leonard woke up where he had fallen asleep. Still, he held on to the hope that it was another loop. That Lisa was going to saunter in any second with that teasing smirk on her face.

He had spent so many days trying to break the loop he was stuck in, but now he was all but praying he had not succeeded. Not like this.

The words seared permanently on his skin broke the illusion, and Leonard bit down hard on his lower lip, breaking the skin. He could taste the blood on his tongue, but he ignored it. In the privacy of his bunk, he allowed himself a moment of vulnerability, trembling fingers tracing Raymond’s last message to him.

_ ‘You are loved.’ _

“Raymond, you idiot,” he murmured, voice thick with tears he refused to let fall. Leonard closed his eyes, picturing the scientist the way he was sure he would have appeared if he had been confronted about his plan - tall and sure, a small crooked smile on his lips as he insisted it was the only way. His warm brown eyes would have been flinty and steady, but so sad, daring Leonard to say something. To call him an idiot.

His eyes were always so sad. Why had Leonard not allowed himself to see that ache behind Raymond’s cheer and optimism? Why had it taken him so long to realise the mask Raymond wore around them all, even after all this time, that hid the heartbreak and loneliness he had faced?

There was a shaky exhale of breath before Leonard admitted for the first time,

“So were you.”

**Author's Note:**

> If the title seems familiar, it's because it's from Hallelujah.
> 
> Come yell at me all you want over on [tumblr](http://ankahikoibaat.tumblr.com/).


End file.
